Analyzing a Conflict Episode

Here is a brief dialogue written to illustrate the unproductive conflict strategies discussed in the text (avoidance, force, blame, silencers, gunnysacking, fighting below the belt, face-detracting, verbal aggressiveness, and verbal abuse) as well as the failure to use their more productive counterparts (active fighting, talk, empathy, open expression, present focus, fighting above the belt, face-enhancing, and argumentativeness).

Identify the conflict strategies used by Pat and Chris so you can see the strategies as they operate in an interactional context. You may also find it profitable to write a continuation of the dialogue. Assume, for example, that Pat and Chris meet a few weeks later and wish to patch things up. How might the dialogue go if they used the principles of effective interpersonal communication and conflict management?

PAT: It’s me. Just came in to get my papers for the meeting tonight.

CHRIS: You’re not going to another meeting, are you?

PAT: I told you last month that I had to give a lecture to the new managers on how to use some new research methods. What do you think I’ve been working on for the past two weeks? If you cared about what I do, you’d know that I was working on this lecture and that it was especially important that it go well.

CHRIS: What about shopping? We always do the shopping on Friday night.

PAT: The shopping will have to wait; this lecture is important.

CHRIS: Shopping is important, too, and so are the children and so is my job and so is the leak in the basement that’s been driving me crazy for the past week and that I’ve asked you to look at every day since I found it.

PAT: Get off it. We can do the shopping anytime. Your job is fine and the children are fine and we’ll get a plumber just as soon as I get the name from the Johnsons.

CHRIS: You always do that. You always think only you count, only you matter. Even when we were in school, your classes were the important ones, your papers, your tests were the important ones. Remember when I had that chemistry final and you had to have your history paper typed? We stayed up all night typing your paper. I failed chemistry, remember? That’s not so good when you’re pre-med! I suppose I should thank you for my not being a doctor? But you got your A in history. It’s always been that way. You never give a damn about what’s important in my life.

PAT: I really don’t want to talk about it. I’ll only get upset and bomb out with the lecture. Forget it. I don’t want to hear any more about it. So just shut up before I do something I should do more often.

CHRIS: You hit me and I’ll call the cops. I’m not putting up with another black eye or another fat lip—never, never again.

PAT: Well, then, just shut up. I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. Forget it. I have to give the lecture and that’s that.

CHRIS: The children were looking forward to going shopping. Johnny wanted to get a new record, and Jennifer needed to get a book for school. You promised them.

PAT: I didn’t promise anyone anything. You promised them, and now you want me to take the blame. You know, you promise too much. You should only promise what you can deliver—like fidelity. Remember you promised to be faithful? Or did you forget that promise? Why don’t you tell the kids that? Or do they already know? Were they here when you had your sordid affair? Did they see their loving parent loving some stranger?

CHRIS: I thought we agreed not to talk about that. You know how bad I feel about what happened. And anyway, that was six months ago. What has that to do with tonight?

PAT: You’re the one who brought up promises, not me. You’re always bringing up the past. You live in the past.

CHRIS: Well, at least the kids would have seen me enjoying myself—one enjoyable experience in eight years isn’t too much, is it?

PAT: I’m leaving. Don’t wait up.